Thoughts


  • is my period heavier and more painful the more broody I am?
  • am I so much more broody at the moment?
  • can I simply not stick to the diet for more than a week at a time this year?
  • is Mr H so tired all the time?
  • can I not get an appointment with the doctor he saw last time for over a fortnight?
  • was the munchkin sick in her cot last night making me even more behind on the washing than ever?
  • has she started to lie to me about stinky nappies when a couple of weeks ago she came to tell me about them?
  • will her last couple of molars not just come through instead of intermittantly making her grumpy and snotty for 3 months (without getting anywhere!)?
  • did I forget to get any meat out of the freezer to defrost for dinner tonight?
  • are some of the nicest people I know having crap times at the moment?

I’ve just typed up, and then deleted, a long post about things I’ve learnt about myself lately. I wasn’t pleasnt reading for me. I seem to be getting obsessive about silly things and unnecessarily grouchy when people do certain things.

I’ve never been good when plans change, I always need to know what’s happening when, but when things change around the house or get put back in different places normally I’d be fine. I don’t know whether it’s just having someone else in my house that’s doing it to me, or that I’m just stressed and ridiculously tired thanks to Mr H’s job situation that’s exacerbating it, or just something else entirely.

Maybe things will change from next week. R has got herself a temping job starting on Monday working 9-4:15, it will be nice to have the house back to myself in the daytimes. Mr H has also started getting interviews. He has one over the telephone this afternoon (in about an hour!) for a job back in the city where we started married life (and somewhere we’d love to go back to at some point) and another next Thursday in a town about 20 miles away from here. Both jobs would be commutable from here in the short term, but for the sake of Mr H spending any time with the munchkin aside from weekends we would move when the right house came up.

I’m hoping Mr H will let me have a lie in at the weekend. I’ve been getting up almost every other night lately for the munchkin, either she’s cold because she’s kicked off her covers, she’s dropped her cuddly giraffe or last night’s treat, she’s done a poo and got sore from it. I’ve been trying to let Mr H get as much rest as he can, but I think if I don’t get some soon I’ll struggle even more with looking after him. I’m also hoping that R will baby sit again in the next week or so, so that we can have a night out and try to relax together, I think that’s something that would help us both.

The main thing that would help though would be Mr H’s company finally handing out the official redundancy notices rather than faffing around and delaying it due to other departments in the company where only some staff are under threat being awkward, for Mr H’s team who are all going they just want to know. Once we have that we know where we stand, and what money we have when which will definitely make things a bit less uncertain.

Mr H and I sat and watched What a Girl Wants on Saturday night. Pretty crummy film, but one we’d bought cheaply in the hopes it might be ok. The problem is it’s really struck a chord with Mr H.

In the film an American teenager comes over to London to try and find the dad she’s never meet and who doesn’t know she exists. After a rather eventful couple of months/weeks she decides that the life she’d have there isn’t for her and decides to go back to the US with her Mum and leave Dad behind. Dad realises he loves his daughter and goes over to make amends and all is happily ever after….

It left Mr H thinking about his Dad. When Mr H was 2 his Dad left for another woman. From what I can gather there was sporadic contact for a couple of years and then nothing. Mr H can’t understand how someone can just up and leave their kids, in his dad’s case twice! Mr H’s mum was his second wife and there were definitely children from the first marriage (though we don’t know much if anything about them).

It’s all making Mr H rather low and introverted. I just wish I knew what to do to help him. We can’t even talk to his mum about is as she died of breast cancer shortly after Mr H’s A levels. His brother and sister aren’t people that Mr H can talk to about thoughts and emotions particularly. They’re both older than him and I imagine can remember more about their dad. I do know that Mr H’s dad sent his sister a letter on her 18th which she binned without reading.

I’m trying to let Mr H talk when he wants to but I just don’t know what to say. Without trying to talk to his dad I can’t give him answers as to why his dad left. Does anyone reading this have any ideas for ways I could help Mr H? I know I can’t give him answers, I just wish I could help somehow.

I don’t know what it is at the moment, but the strangest things make me quite emotional. We were watching one of the episodes of Dinnerladies on DVD the other night and as it ended I just started crying. Mr H just didn’t know what to do with me. For those that know the show it was the Millennium (Minnellium!) episode where Anita leaves her baby on the fire escape for Bren to find. I’ve watched that episode several times before but it’s never affected me in the same way.

I’m sure part of it is the broodiness I’m feeling at the moment, another part of me just can’t understand how someone can just abandon their baby. However I know it’s not a completely unusual occurrence. According to thisBBC news article 49 babies were abandoned in the UK in 2004, I don’t know what the statistics are for the US or other European countries. I know it is a lot more frequent in China, especially girls due to the one child laws and the opinion that it is better to have a boy, and I read somewhere recently about it being more prevalent in India as well.

But why is it done in the UK? According to the BBC site:

There are no firm conclusions as to why babies are abandoned. Some psychiatrists believe that mothers – especially young ones – can become overwhelmed by the presence of something that they denied for nine months. When the baby is born, the distressed mother can lose contact with reality for a brief period of time and may abandon her child.

Often the women can be suffering post-natal depression or feelings of inadequacy. In some cases, parents may see abandoning their child as an alternative to abortion or leave their baby believing the infant will have a chance of a better life. Economic, as well as emotional and social factors, can play a part.

I still find it hard to comprehend though. I know I was fortunate to bond really well with the munchkin initially despite the problems with breast feeding. I suppose I can see some of the reasons above, I just don’t think I can fully comprehend it.

Some countries have produced baby hatches or foundling wheels as a way for parents to leave their infants somewhere safe where they can be looked after for a period of time before the parent can return and claim the child or the child is taken into care and put up for adoption. In the US many states have safe havens laws whereby the parent can take the baby to a safe place such as a hospital or fire station where the child can be given into care anonymously and without there being any repercussions for the parent.

At the moment in the UK there is no facility for anything like this and a parent abandoning a child is seen as a criminal and could be imprisoned, I do feel this is harsh for someone who must definitely have problems in order to do this. Rather than the threat of prosecution hanging over these people they need help and support if they come forward, and that’s something I hope they’d have whatever.

That’s just my rather confused ramblings on the subject, what do you think?

Thanks for you comments Caramaena, I have thought about becoming a librarian, sadly there are no jobs opening up around here for that either, I guess I just need to keep looking out for them, hopefully something wil come up soon. For now I’m just busy thinking about the munchkins baptism on Sunday…..there are now 17 adults coming for lunch….we’d forgotten about some old friends of Mr H’s mum (almost surrogate grandparents to Mr H), when I spoke to them this morning they were actually about to call us to find out where the church is…ooppss!

So now I need to decide what to feed everyone, and make sure that there is food for the two dairy intolerant folks coming…..I think we may end up having a fruit salad as a pudding option as all the other desserts I can think of are creamy!

What food do you like to eat at a buffet? So far we’re definately having sausage rolls, salad and cold ham (ooo the excitement!)…..any more suggestions?

Thanks to Carmelo for your response to my last post….in reply to a couple of your comments….supply work is all well and good if you can either drive to the school or live somewhere with a good enough puplic transport system to get you there, I’d love to have a scooter, used to be a dream of mine, but the oulay would be at least as bad a learning to drive so it’s a non starter (plus it wouldn’t give me the freedom to takle the munchkin to other groups). Shift work is something I need to think more on, but like I said I need to get a lot fitter before I really look into police work so the munchkin would be older…..

…..Argh! I don’t know….just about to have a nosy at the local rag and see if there’s anything in there

Mr H and I attempted to get an early night last night, but ended up lying in bed discussing what to do about my loneliness. Thanks to being unable to drive and a dire lack of baby/toddler activities locally I’ve been seriously lonely since we moved down here. I survived initially by finding amy possible excuse to hop on the train back to Cambridge and meet up with my friends there, but now finances, and one of my best friends moving to deepest darkest Suffolk mean that it’s not really an option except for the occasional visit. The only social interaction I have with other adults is the Wednesday baby group, for the rest of the week my day-time conversations consist of confusing conversations (of sorts) with the munchkin.

(Warning…confused outpouring of thought coming!)

Our only solutions were me learning to drive so I could get to other groups (at an outlay in excess of £400 for lessons not really an option) and getting a part-time job somewhere. I don’t really want to go back to teaching, full-time teaching would leave me with no time for the munchkin and Mr H (thanks to planning and marking etc.), and part-time posts are hard to get hold of unless you already have your foot in the door. I had arranged a 60% timetable with my school in Cambridge had we stayed up there, but there’s no way of doing that down there.

So that leaves me with a career change….so what do I do?

I very nearly applied for a paediatric nursing degree rather than education (I only settled on education a month before my application to Cambridge had to be in) and in a way I regret that. With a degree in maths and education I can be a teacher or…..a teacher, I’m not qualified for anything else. I could work in primary schools, but I really struggled with teaching literacy on my placements and didn’t enjoy that at all. With mursing there are so many branches and areas I could have gone into….I’d still quite like to go back to university and re-train, but it’s not something I could do living here, I’d need to live nearer the hospital(s) I’d be placed in, the local hospital is not involved in training and being unable to drive means that I can’t commute anywhere else. It is something we could look at doing in the future, as we’d have to move house, but not at the moment.

What else is there? I have considered vetinary nursing or the police force. There is a vetinary practice locally that trains vetinary nurses and I may be able to get a post there, but could I do that part-time as I don’t really want to work full-time when the munchkin is small…. I’m definately not fit enough to join the police at the moment, 2 1/2 years ago I suffered from a post viral illness that left me with a lot of fatigue, I’m basically fine now, but when I get any form of bug I’m knocked out for a few days and it takes me a couple of weeks to get my strength up to even walk the 2 1/2 miles into town and back. I’m trying to get myself fitter, but at this time of year as soon as I start getting going again, I’m knocked back down with another cold, I guess I need to just keep working on that one. I’ve also thought about becoming a librarian, I love books and reading and would like to encourage others to read more, but there are no jobs coming up locally there.

I’m left with going for any type of admin work going, I have had the odd look at the local paper and job websites, but there’s been nothing part-time that I could get to (either by public transport, on foot or on Mr H’s route to work). I guess I just need to keep looking.

Anyone reading got any ideas for lines of work for me? 🙂