Emotions


I’m feeling sad today.

There’s another article in the local paper about someone killing themselves at the local train station. Someone has died on the rails in the town more than once a fortnight over the past 2 months. From what I understand (through what’s been written in the press) all but one of them wanted to die, that one was apparently trying to pull someone else from the tracks.

I can’t imagine feeling so low that death is the only option. At least one of those people has school age children. How do they cope? Will they ever understand why their parent chose to die and leave them?

What is it about my town that’s doing this to people? The paper implies that the tracks on this town have the highest rate of deaths in the whole country.

These people are doing this in front of other people, how do they feel seeing someone standing on the platform at one moment and then jumping off in front of a train the next?

I know there’s no answers to these questions. I wish that these people had been able to get help and support. I’m sure there must be help around, maybe these people didn’t know where to look.

…is where I need to be 😦

I had my weigh in last night and I’ve put on 1 1/2 lbs in the last fortnight. It’s what I deserve really, but I’m so annoyed at myself. I’ve eaten so much rubbish lately, firstly when Mr H was away (a combination of tiredness and just being low with him away) and then the weekend just gone when my friend was staying here. She’s not really worried about her weight and will just eat what she fancies and my self control went out of the window and I just ate what I fancied too.

I know I shouldn’t do it, but I did, and I now have to face the consequences. I’ve now been doing the diet for more weeks than lbs I’ve lost and I’m much happier when it’s the other way round.

I’m restarting my food diary and I’ve added an exercise tracker to my weightloss page (at the top, by the about me tab). I’ve recently bought a Lateral Thigh Trainer and I’m going to try and use it every day while the munchkin naps. I hoped to do 5 minutes today, but I had to give up at 3 1/2, hopefully I’ll manage more tomorrow. I do feel good for having done that though. My long term aim with it is to be able to do 30 minutes on it fairly comfortably and then up the resistance (it’s on the easiest setting at the moment).

I’ve got more friends coming to stay on Sunday (as well as a big night out on Saturday with the munchkin’s Godmother) so it’ll be a real challenge this week, but I want to pop in to weigh in on Monday and come out smiling. I’m now 3 lbs off my first stone and I would love to get that in a fortnight, I hope I can do it.

Well, I’m more than half way through my time without Mr H now, and how am I coping?

I’m actually quite impressed at myself. Apart from freaking out slightly (well, maybe a little more than slightly) in the middle of last night at the noises the house made as it cooled down after a hot sunny day I’m quite proud of myself. I’ve kept on top of my usual hosue jobs as well as trying to get the munchkin into a routine of putting her toys away before we take her up to bed (works ok…when I remember to get her to help me 🙂 ). I’ve been a bit lonely, but had a lovely day yesterday at R and P’s. The munchkin loved playing in their garden (note to self: buy her a sand pit table) and slept surprisingly well in their travel cot in the afternoon (a good 1 3/4 hour nap). We did leave R and P slightly jealous of how well she sleeps as their daughters, especially the younger one, tend to wake early and not nap particularly well, their day started at 5:45 on Sunday, by 7:30 P and the girls were playing in the garden having been up and breakfasted for a while.

Today was basically a normal Monday, albeit without me having to make Mr H’s packed lunch before fitting in my own breakfast. I was a little naughty and treated us to a McDonald’s for lunch, I’ve been really good and not had one for 3 months, whihc is something of a record for me. The munchkin even ate her chicken nuggets willingly, which, for a girl who usually refuses all forms of protein except fish fingers and bolognaise was quite a turn up for the books. I’ve felt a bit lonely this evening but I’ve had a chat with Mum on the phone and an MSN conversation with one of my best friends. I’ve read more of my book and fitted in some trashy TV (I’m getting into Britains Next Top Model, it’s not something I’ve watched before but the bitchyness is addictive and so funny at times).

Mr H’s flight is due in at Heathrow at 6:25am on Wednesday, so I’ve only got tomorrow to get through and then he should be back here by about 9am. Tomorrow another local friend, L, is going to take the munchkin and I to the local pet’s corner which I’ve never been to before, I know vaguely where it is, but I’ve not actually attempted to go before even though I think the munchkin will love seeing all the animals (not that I know what animals they have there!). If that is where we’re going (and I’m 99% sure we are) then I’ll make sure I take some pictures of the munchkin’s reactions.

I’m absolutely shattered now, so I’m going to sign off and go to my bed. Thanks to everyone who left a comment for me. Bye!

Can someone give me a kick up the rump please and tell me to stop stressing about Mr H flying to the US for work tomorrow.

A combination of the ‘terror’ attacks here in the UK and me not wanting to be on my own while he’s gone are just getting me a bit down. He’s not gone for long, back on Wednesday, but at the moment I’m completely on my own from when the driver/taxi picks him up at 10:30 tomorrow until 2:15 on Monday when I go to the rhyme time at the library with a friend and her little girl. I’m down on the creche rota for church on Sunday, I emailed round a fortnight ago to say I won’t be able to get there and can someone cover for me, but no response… R did say to me the day after that that she’d pick me and the munchkin up, take us to church and then have us over at hers for lunch, fantastic, but after going away last weekend (and hence not seeing her at church) I haven’t been able to get hold of her to check that’s ok. If I can’t do that I really don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m finding life very monotonous at the moment and really look forward to the change of routine that the weekend brings, with Mr H away it’s just more of the same and it’s starting to get me down again. It’s not taking much to make me feel low and turn towards the junk food and I really don’t want to do that…

I just need to pull myslef together, but I’m not sure where to start…

I realised this morning that I haven’t posted much for a little bit so I thought I’d make an effort to say something….

I’ve had such a week of not knowing whether I’m coming or going. I’m finding it hard to get my thoughts and housework in order if I have something happening that changes my normal routine. It sounds stupid but after going out to church yesterday morning to help get things ready for tomorrow’s garden party I found it so hard to get the motivation to do anything. I did the bare minimum but didn’t get things done that weren’t essential so I now feel like I’ve got lots to do today. Grrr… I’m going to give myself some time now (I’ve already done the washing up and loaded the washing machine and dishwasher so I’ve made an ok start) and then once I’ve posted this and had a quick look at some of my blogroll I really need to get on. I’m still trying to follow the whople FlyLady thing and it is helping as despite my low this week the house still looks reasonable and I felt ok enough about it to be able to invite a friend from church over for a drink after church.

The other downside of yesterday’s low was my diet….I’m very much an emotional eater and yesterday ended up going out and buying (and then eating) lots of malteasers…ooppss…. I’m going to have to be so good over the weekend to make up for it. I have lost 10 1/2 lbs in the last 9 weeks and I don’t want to destroy all the work I’ve done already

I had to head over to Chelmsford on Wednesday to see the allergy specialist. He decided to do skin tests to check the status of the latex allergy and also common things like grass pollen and house dust mites while he was at it. I didn’t react to the latex there (though I had a small reaction to the dust mites) but he has advised me to get referred to the dermatologist at my local hospital as my reaction appears to be a contact dermatitis and is worth getting checked out to find out exactly what I’m reacting to in adheshives.

I’ve got to head into the next town on this afternoon to meet Mr H and do the shopping and I’m hoping that by then I’ll have got the kitchen and dining room back under my complete control and maybe even have done a little bit of crafting (something I haven’t touched in weeks…).

Mr H and I sat and watched What a Girl Wants on Saturday night. Pretty crummy film, but one we’d bought cheaply in the hopes it might be ok. The problem is it’s really struck a chord with Mr H.

In the film an American teenager comes over to London to try and find the dad she’s never meet and who doesn’t know she exists. After a rather eventful couple of months/weeks she decides that the life she’d have there isn’t for her and decides to go back to the US with her Mum and leave Dad behind. Dad realises he loves his daughter and goes over to make amends and all is happily ever after….

It left Mr H thinking about his Dad. When Mr H was 2 his Dad left for another woman. From what I can gather there was sporadic contact for a couple of years and then nothing. Mr H can’t understand how someone can just up and leave their kids, in his dad’s case twice! Mr H’s mum was his second wife and there were definitely children from the first marriage (though we don’t know much if anything about them).

It’s all making Mr H rather low and introverted. I just wish I knew what to do to help him. We can’t even talk to his mum about is as she died of breast cancer shortly after Mr H’s A levels. His brother and sister aren’t people that Mr H can talk to about thoughts and emotions particularly. They’re both older than him and I imagine can remember more about their dad. I do know that Mr H’s dad sent his sister a letter on her 18th which she binned without reading.

I’m trying to let Mr H talk when he wants to but I just don’t know what to say. Without trying to talk to his dad I can’t give him answers as to why his dad left. Does anyone reading this have any ideas for ways I could help Mr H? I know I can’t give him answers, I just wish I could help somehow.

Hello! My new phone is great! The keyboard is a little small, but I’m getting used to it (hopefully the diet will shrink my fat fingers a bit as well as the jelly belly!). I’m able to run most of the applications I had on my old Sony Clie. What we’ll hopefully do before we go away is set up the Bible software on there and get me some study notes of some sort to always have with me. The camera’s surprisingly good, it’s quite nice to have a picture of Mr H come up when we calls me 🙂

Caramaena – it’s definitely been worth getting though I will definitely need the protective case that’s on order as I’m worried about damaging the touchscreen in my bag when I’m out. It’s much easier to have diary/address book/phone all as one rather than several bits cluttering up my bag.

Mum did manage to go with Dad on Monday….the problem with his eye is not a bleed, the doctor isn’t sure why he has little sight in it but had referred him to an opthalmologist who he’ll see at the end of the month. His blood pressure hasn’t dropped so his medication has been upped. Dad has had a lump on the right side of his face for ages, but lately it’s grown a bit more and I’m getting concerned that that has links with his memory and eye sight, though Mum said the doctor’s haven’t commented on it at all…..I’m desperately trying not to Google anything else as I know sight problems (and memory loss) can be linked with brain tumours and I’m trying to not go there….

The munchkin is still incrediably snotty, we’ve had to avoid toddler group today as she looks awful and I don’t want the other parents to think I’m just willing to spread the bug around (though she did pick the cold up from there). We’re having fights every time I try to wipe her nose, she just hates it. It’s making her a little clingy and rather less able to cope with being told off…..we’re getting tantrums of sorts when normally she’d just wander off. Hopefully the snot will ease soon, though the 9 day cold rule (3 days to come, 3 with you and 3 to go – something Mum swears by) would mean that it’ll be Saturday before she’s better as it all started on Friday last week.

I’m doing ok, still feeling much higher than last week, though a useless online PDA company have not helped by failing to tell us items we ordered were out of stock until we rang yesterday evening to find out why they hadn’t arrived after I’d waited in all day for them! Grrr! Diet was not great yesterday as we (me and Mr H) were both tired and a little short fused….. but it was still better than some days last week. I did lose 1 1/2 lbs this week which was ok, I’d hoped for more, but a loss is a loss and more than makes up for the previous week’s gain. I’m going to try and be really good today and before we go away tomorrow, and since it was my sister in law that introduced me to Slimming World I shouldn’t do too badly when we’re with them…..that’s the theory anyway! I sure hope it works and I come back from Scotland with a loss!

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