February 2007


I was going to write a good long post yesterday about the fab weekend I had meeting up with my group of friends from college, we haven’t all been together for 3 1/2 years at least but I spent the afternoon up at the Early Pregnancy Unit at the local hospital after a little bit of spotting and cramps on Sunday night.

I had to go back this morning for a scan which revealed that baby is measuring about 2 weeks behind my dates with no chance of seeing a heartbeat yet. I have to go back in a fortnight for a repeat scan to confirm a missed miscarriage.

I’m pretty certain that I have lost the baby, I’m not at all nauseous any more and don’t really feel pregnant. I’ve already got more energy and am not feeling so tired.

I just wish I didn’t have to wait so long before being 100% sure (unless I start to bleed properly). It’s going to be a long two weeks. I still haven’t many friends down here I can talk to and there’s not a lot I can go out and do to keep myself occupied. We’re going away the weekend before the scan so I can look forward to that (only going to my gran’s for some cheap away time and a change of scene).

I was very teary this morning, but feeling less so now, looking forward to Mr H getting home from work to gve me a hug though. The munchkin is being a bit of a minx, alternating between being wonderfully cuddly and being a fussy little monster who can’t do anything on her own. She’s just made me grin by managing to pull a bowl of grapes from the dining table and then sitting with the bowl between her legs stuffing as many grapes into her mouth as she could ( counted 4 when she made herself gag and spat them all out!). I do love her so much! I need to remember that lots at the moment.

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(though I suppose that if I didn’t have any I wouldn’t be in the state I’m now in…..any happy about)

 It’s just that I’m spending so much time trying to dodge flying bouts of morning (read all day!) sickness that so far haven’t actually made me be sick, but made me so close and trying to snatch any rest I can as I’m so tired it’s untrue. I don’t remember feeling this rough last time. I was coping fine with teaching full time when pregnant with the munchkin, but now I can barely hang the washing out to dry with out wanting to spend the next hour lying down. Roll on 12/14 weeks when hopefully this will ease a bit.

I haven’t heard from my sister still, I really miss our chats, but she just doesn’t want to speak to me at the moment. I had a brief text to say that she and her husband had landed in Paris for their weekend away but nothing else. I hope she can come to terms with all this soon.

…and it was horrible. She’s devastated. She half expected it after talking to Mum on Sunday and getting the feeling that Mum was hiding something from her. I came off the phone in tears, she was so unhappy.

I just want my little sister to be happy, and there’s nothing any of us can do to help her. We can’t change our plans or put our lives on hold, we can’t wave a magic wand – ta-da – one baby, there’s absolutely nothing we can do. All the other girls on Mum’s side of the family seem to fall pregnant really easily, Mum fell with me and my sister within the first couple of months of trying, I discovered at the weekend that only one of my Mum’s siblings was actually planned (she’s one of 5!), my aunt fell pregnant on the pill, my cousin (a little younger than my sister) is expecting her third any day, all the others are no where near thinking of babies yet. When we can produce babies almost when we want to my sister is finding it so hard.

I just wish there was something, anything I could do for her.

Well, my nap didn’t happen as the door bell rang just as I was dozing off (thanks Mum for the clothes for the munchkin), the munchkin however slept for 1 1/2 hours and has just gone off again.

After speaking to Mum on the phone I have discovered that my sister’s period started yesterday….she’s going to be completely devestated. Mum thinks I should tell her today, I just don’t know, going to have a quick chat with Mr H when he gets in from work and maybe call my sister later on when her husband is home to comfort her.

Argh! I hate this!

That’s how I’ve been feeling over the past few days.

Once we’d finally managed to defrost the pipes and be sure that there was no damage from it that was Wednesday out of the way, a busy day with so much to think about as well as giving the munchkin lots of cuddles to try and make her feel better.

Thursday brought a lovely covering of snow. We woke to 2 inches or so which stayed all day, after an interesting walk to the shops with the pushchair I let the munchkin have a little wander in the snow, she loved it!

Snow baby

She’d have loved to stay out longer but it was too cold for her. The local kids were really good about not throwing snow balls anywhere near her.

Come Friday I was coming down with a cold (which has got progressively worse and has today settled in my throat), then realised that my period had not really arrived having been due on Wednesday, spotted briefly that evening and nothing more…..hmmmm…..

Saturday morning produced a slightly unexpected positive pregnancy test, it looks like baby #2 may be with us sooner than planned (hoping all goes well)…..we weren’t going to start trying until after Easter. Baby’s current due date is 8 days before Mr H’s birthday and 13 days before the munchkin’s! Now it’s sinking in I’m delighted, we’ve always wanted at least two children (though Mr H didn’t want another October baby). I’m dreading telling my sister however, she and her husband have been trying for a baby for a year now with only an ectopic pregnancy to show for it and here’s us pregnant without really trying having fallen first month of trying each time before. I spoke to her on Thursday and we were being girly and discussing when we were due and I mentioned that by period had seemed to start on Wednesday and now I’m going to have to say well actually….

She was due on Friday and by speaking to Mum over the weekend I’ve discovered that she was at least late and probably going to test today, whenever I tell her it’s going to put a downer on her, either if she’s pregnant then she has to do it all with me (I think she’d much rather have a couple of months of attention without me taking any) or she’s not again and has to deal with the fact that I am….argh! We’re going to leave telling her until the weekend if possible, Mum and Dad know (I can’t hide anything from Mum) and are under strict instructions not to tell, I’m hoping that my sister doesn’t ask Mum anything outright as Mum can’t hide anything from either of us at all…..

Saturday’s news has also meant that my only means of attacking this cold have been paracetamol and hot honey and lemon (I hate not being able to take Day/Night Nurse), I’m wanting to spend today in bed, but Mr H is busy in meetings at work all day so can’t be home to look after the munchkin. I’m hoping to nap when she does……talking of which……bye!

Calavera asked me about the header I have on here at the moment. It is one of my photos, I took it about 18 months ago from Mudeford in Dorset looking over to Hengistbury Head. I love the area, my gran took us there to stay in the Avonmouth hotel most summers when I was about 8-17. She took Mr H and I there so I could show Mr H what it’s like. The headland is home to some of the most expensive beach huts in the country (I’d love one of them!) – £165,000!!! That’s more than we paid for our house!

I don’t know what it is at the moment, but the strangest things make me quite emotional. We were watching one of the episodes of Dinnerladies on DVD the other night and as it ended I just started crying. Mr H just didn’t know what to do with me. For those that know the show it was the Millennium (Minnellium!) episode where Anita leaves her baby on the fire escape for Bren to find. I’ve watched that episode several times before but it’s never affected me in the same way.

I’m sure part of it is the broodiness I’m feeling at the moment, another part of me just can’t understand how someone can just abandon their baby. However I know it’s not a completely unusual occurrence. According to thisBBC news article 49 babies were abandoned in the UK in 2004, I don’t know what the statistics are for the US or other European countries. I know it is a lot more frequent in China, especially girls due to the one child laws and the opinion that it is better to have a boy, and I read somewhere recently about it being more prevalent in India as well.

But why is it done in the UK? According to the BBC site:

There are no firm conclusions as to why babies are abandoned. Some psychiatrists believe that mothers – especially young ones – can become overwhelmed by the presence of something that they denied for nine months. When the baby is born, the distressed mother can lose contact with reality for a brief period of time and may abandon her child.

Often the women can be suffering post-natal depression or feelings of inadequacy. In some cases, parents may see abandoning their child as an alternative to abortion or leave their baby believing the infant will have a chance of a better life. Economic, as well as emotional and social factors, can play a part.

I still find it hard to comprehend though. I know I was fortunate to bond really well with the munchkin initially despite the problems with breast feeding. I suppose I can see some of the reasons above, I just don’t think I can fully comprehend it.

Some countries have produced baby hatches or foundling wheels as a way for parents to leave their infants somewhere safe where they can be looked after for a period of time before the parent can return and claim the child or the child is taken into care and put up for adoption. In the US many states have safe havens laws whereby the parent can take the baby to a safe place such as a hospital or fire station where the child can be given into care anonymously and without there being any repercussions for the parent.

At the moment in the UK there is no facility for anything like this and a parent abandoning a child is seen as a criminal and could be imprisoned, I do feel this is harsh for someone who must definitely have problems in order to do this. Rather than the threat of prosecution hanging over these people they need help and support if they come forward, and that’s something I hope they’d have whatever.

That’s just my rather confused ramblings on the subject, what do you think?