Whinginess over (I hope!)

Apologies for the sheer whinginess of yesterday’s post, I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself. Sorry! Thank you for the lovely comments though.

It’s daft really, falling pregnant at the moment really isn’t a sensible option. There’s a possibility of Mr H being made redundant in November which could mean us moving house to go to another job or even having no income for a bit if he can’t find anything. Doing this heavily pregnant or with a tiny baby would not be easy. We moved into this house when the munchkin was just 3 months old which meant I couldn’t help much with the moving and could do only a little of the packing. Adding a toddler into the mix would mean i could do even less. With just the munchkin we would be fine.

More than anything else at the moment (and more than I ever imagined I could be) I’m desperate for another child. Waiting until November (or possibly before) when we’ll find out what’s happening with Mr H’s job before even considering trying for a baby (this month was a bit of a slip up…). The thought of waiting so long is just horrible, I want to be pregnant now!

I’m just going to have to enjoy being mummy to the munchkin, she is (usually!) an absolute joy to be around. My time to be a mummy again will come, it’s just going to be a lesson in patience.

On another note…

Potty training is going ok. Nine accidents yesterday and 2 small wees in the potty. Not too bad. The munchkin was very good at weeing as soon as I let her get up from ther potty!

We’re had 2 small accidents so far this morning. I knew she needed a wee because she was crossing her legs and squirming! She had two little leaks and I put her on the potty immediately. After the second one I sat her on the potty with a biscuit and while that distracted her she relaxed enough to wee! She tried to get up mid way and told me it was a mess but she did it and got lots of praise. It does show she’s holding it in and knows when she needs to go though.

Hopefully we’ll manage to use the potty again later, we’ll see!

 

So that’s why… (warning, here, there, everywhere post)

Well, I was given a reason for the lethargy yesterday, and not the reason I was really hoping. Yes, it’s that time of the month. There was a chance that I was pregnant (and by our past history a very high chance) and Mr H and I both thought I was. Instead my body decided to through us off the scent completely and give me the period from hell a day early!

I spent the time after church yesterday intermittently crying (I’m so desperate for another baby even though I know the timing is rubbish) and curled up in a ball with cramps. Not my idea of a fun way to spend a Sunday.

Thanks to generally feeling rough I’ve eaten rather a lot of junk over the last few days. I did intend to weigh in this morning but forgot, so hopefully I’ll remember tomorrow, though I suspect that I won’t have lost an ounce, rather that I’ll have put on. I’m going to have to focus on getting back on track, though maybe not until the backache etc have eased!

The munchkin slept for 3 hours as soon as we got back from church (given that she didn’t go to sleep until 11pm on Saturday that was much needed) which gave me a little rest. We did try and start potty training a little when she got up, however in the 3 1/2 hours before we put her to bed we had one accident and the grand total of zero successes!

So far this morning we’ve been up and nappy free for 2 hours and we’ve had no wees anywhere! I suspect that she may be waiting until I’m not ready or have just popped to the bathroom/kitchen…

Anyway, on those lines I’m going to go and play with the munchkin a bit more in the hopes that I can get her on the potty in time! Apologies for the very random nature of this post, I keep leaping up to put someone on the potty!

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ps. Within a minute of me writing the comment below the munchkin had a huge wet accident in the middle of the living room floor! ooppss!

 

Mixed up Monday

A mixed up post with a few little bits! 

Mr H and I had a slightly overdue discussion about trying for another baby yesterday. Much as I don’t want it to be, the only sensible option is to wait until we know what’s happening with Mr H’s job come November, whether he’s staying in the new group or whether they’re all being made redundant. This means that trying for baby #2 has had to be postponed, probably, until next year.

Due to the above I’m really going to try and stick to the diet (I know, I’ve said that before). I used to say to myself that we’ll be trying for a baby before too long, there’s not point being too strict now, I’ll wait. Well since I’ve now got a year or more I’m going to try and get myself down to a healthy BMI, or ideally the middle of the healthy BMI. I’m going to try and remember to weigh myself every Monday morning and update my weightloss page accordingly, though I’ve not had a good start to that – I forgot this morning! I’ve not been too good lately so I suspect I’ll go up rather than down when I next weigh myself but at least I’ll know where I stand. My nephew, J, is being baptised on 4 May so that’s my first aim, be able to wear something nice and not look pregnant (I did on some of my sister’s wedding photos).

The Mums and tots fitness class I’ve been going to has been given another 8 weeks of funding to continue after Easter so hopefully that’ll help the weightloss as well. Last week was great, though I didn’t half ache on Thursday. We were doing circuit training with 14 different 2 minute stations. This week is all exercise based around gym balls…I bought one of those to sit on when pregnant with the munchkin, I might get it out and have a try and using it for the exercises… I know that doing regular exercise will help me lose weight and get fitter, I’ve just got to get off my backside and do it!

I’ve been browsing the internet this morning trying to find somewhere that’s not going to rip me off completely. I’m looking for (very) reasonably priced flowers to send to my grans for Mothering Sunday…. Most of the cheaper ones I can find are rather pathetic looking bunches of carnations (I hate having such a budget but we didn’t manage to get the remortgage organised before a couple of payments at the high variable rate). Does anyone have any recommendations of sites that might be worth a look? If I lived nearer I’d go and see them at some point over the next couple of weeks and take something then, but as it is I have no idea when I’ll see them next (probably baby J’s baptism).

 And a follow up to some comments from my photos post:

Littlemissbliss – while Mr H is my toyboy (by 7 months) he’s not that young! He’s 26, though he was only 21 when we married.

Beccy – here you are: 

Chocolate brownies (pinched from V, though I don’t know where she got it from)

 100g Butter/marg, melted
1 cup Sugar
1tsp Vanilla Essence
2 eggs
1/2 cup flour
1/3 cup cocoa
1/4 tsp baking powder(only if you’re using plain flour)
1/2 cup choc chunks (or more!)

Blend butter, sugar and vanilla together. Then add eggs, cocoa, flour, baking powder, salt and chocolate.

Pour into a greased (or lined) baking tin (suggested 9×6 inches)
Bake at 180 C fo 20-25 mins

I baked mine in a 7×7 tin and ended up with rather crunchy edges as the middle wasn’t cooking, but they’ve softened with time (not that I gave them much!) and were nice and chewy by the next day.

Well that’s it for my mixed up Monday! Hope you’ve all had a good start to your weeks. Take care!

 

Revelation

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend.

I think I may have mentioned before that I’m desperate for a second child but that Mr H doesn’t feel ready to try again. Well, I’m actually glad this month that I’m not pregnant (I never imagined thinking that).

A close friend of mine has discovered she’s pregnant by accident (she was on the pill but had to take antibiotics). Her partner of 8 years wants her to have a termination and won’t consider an alternative. She’s not going to have an termination under any circumstances and is having to face the possibilty that she may have to bring up the baby and their 2 year old daughter as a single mum. Her partner already has two teenage children from a previous marriage and doesn’t want to have to finance four children. He began very angry (blaming her even though it was a complete accident and no one’s fault) and saying that she could leave if she keeps the baby but is now being nice and just trying to point out to her the things they could do if she gets rid of the baby (new kitchen, bathroom, holidays). She can’t get him to consider her keeping the baby. She has an appointment for counselling on Wednesday during which her partner is expecting her to agree to a termination, she doesn’t know how he’ll react to her coming home and confirming that she’s going ahead with the pregnancy.

I’d find it so hard to be a supportive friend if I was pregnant now too, especially when having more children has always been on the cards for us (whereas for my friend it was never really considered). I wouldn’t know what to say without highlighting how different things would be for us both. I’ve been trying to work out over the weekend what I can do to help her, but I think that all I can do is pray for her and her partner, be here for her to talk to, and offer a place for her daughter to come and play if she needs some rest.

 

Commenting…

…I love getting comments from people (even when random hugs from people I don’t know have almost made me cry recently!)…but I’ve realised I really don’t comment much on other people’s blogs…so my challenge for April (I know it’s still March but we’re going away at the weekend and I’ve got lots to do) will be to comment on as many blogs I read as possible (if I can think of something suitable to say) whenever I trail through my blog roll…

My sister is sending me mad, having got really grumpy at me and refused to speak to me for a fortnight when I told her I was pregnant (in an evening when I knew she would have the support of her husband) she’s now calling me every few days asking what would help morning sickness (am I really evil for being pleased that she was sick more yesterday than I ever was with the munchkin? I was only ever nauseous most days and sick twice in 9 months), can she borrow my bump belt now I need it no longer?

I’m still bleeding internittently and the last thing I want is to hear about her pregnancy. I’m fine with my pregnant friends round here, they’re all being wonderful and sensitive, but my sister just doesn’t seem to think? I’ve been tempted to call her and say just leave me alone for a bit, but I can’t think of a nice way to say it. Mr H has offered to have a word with her, but that doesn’t seem right either…..argh!

On another subject we managed to get the sick smell out of the munchkin’s carpet by liberally sprinkling it with bicarbonate of soda…thanks Mum for the old fashioned idea. She suggested that before I saw the lavender comments so I tried it first. I’ll try lavender next time around

 

It’s over…

I seem to have spent most of the last week either in hospital or waiting for calls to say whether there was a bed for me or not.

Having not eaten anything since midnight on Monday night I called to see if there was a bed for me at 8am on Tuesday, nothing I had to wait for them to call me, they called me back at 2 to say still no bed, try again tomorrow.

Try again on Wednesday, nothing at 8, wait again, put the munchkin down for a nap at 10, was called at 10:30 to say we have a bed, will you come now please. We got to the hospital at 11, spent an hour waiting in a waiting room before seeing a nurse who gave me a gown and some oh so attractive surgical stockings. mum (who arrived at lunchtime on Tuesday) took the munchkin home at this point for lunch and another attempt at a nap. At about 12:30 we (there was another lady waiting for an ERPC) were taken down to a ward (surprisingly nice, individual en suite rooms).

I wasn’t seen by a doctor until about 3, all she did was put a canula in to give me some fluids (having not eaten since 10 the night before) and tell me that I had to wait and see the anaesthetist before I’d be able to go to theatre. For some reason she couldn’t get the cannula into the back of my hand, she gave up and used my elbow instead (trying to sleep when you usually curl up into a ball but you’ve got a cannula in your elbow is a challenge!). Eventually saw the anaesthetist at 6ish, he was the first person to ask me about any allergies. I’m allergic to most adhesives (even the supposedly hypoallergenic micropore gives me an itchy rash) and also mildly allergic to latex (only a mild dermal reaction). He asked me a bit about the latex, but didn’t seem too concerned.

Mr H, Mum and the munchkin appeared to say hello during evening visiting at 6:30, but couldn’t stay long as they needed to get the munchkin to bed.

However, at around 7:30 the surgeon appeared to say that I’d be put at the top of Thursday’s list for surgery so they could have a completely clean theatre for me due to not wanting to take any chances with the latex. I’ve never had that much of a reaction so I was rather surprised but glad to be given more of an idea rather than just sitting waiting.

After 21 hours of not eating the Heinz tomato soup I was given for dinner (all there was on the ward at 8pm) was one of the nicest things ever! It was frustrating though, having sat on a bed all afternoon waiting to be sent to theatre only to be told actually it’ll be tomorrow.

I was woken at 6 on Thursday by the nurse doing her observation round (I can’t understand why they need to do it quite so early, especially when the evening round is between 10 and 11pm!) and was given another bag of fluids through the cannula. They didn’t start prepping me for theatre until 9 so the morning seemed to drag. I was taken down to theatre at 10 and got back to the ward at about 11:45. I was told at this point that hopefully I’d be able to go home at 4….

After a lunch of very soggy tuna sandwiches, which I somehow managed to keep down (the first time I’ve ever had a general anaesthetic and been able to eat afterwards with out being sick and needing a nice injection of anti-emetics in my bottom!), Mum and the munchkin came into afternoon visiting hoping to be able to take me home with them. However, that was not to be, the doctor came in a said that because of the possible latex risk I’d need to stay in overnight. I was not particularly happy having been told one thing, and then another. I could understand in a way why they said it, but still, after all the delays I just wanted to get home and sleep in my own bed.

I was finally discharged at 9:30 yesterday after a very short nights sleep. The nurses didn’t do the evening drug round and observations until 11pm and then woke me at 6 for the morning obs, even on a good day I’m a person who needs 8 hours sleep and I was very tired after the anaesthetic.

I’m really glad I’ve had the surgery now and that the pregnancy is over. We can now try and move ourselves on from it. We’ve been advised to wait 3 months before trying for another baby, but at the moment it’s a long way from my mind. It’s going to take a bit for me to feel better after all this. I’m still a bit emotional at times, and am very tired. Maybe in 3 months we’ll want to try again, but maybe a bit longer, it’s too early to say really.

 

Ups and downs

After a lovely weekend at my grans (Saturday night was the first night I have slept for 7 solid hours for weeks!) we went back for the second scan this morning.

As I expected there was no change. despite being sure of it it was still really hard when the lady doing the scan said that there was no change. We then had to head back to the EPU to decide what to do next, wait for things to happen naturally or book in for an ERPC. Since baby died about 4 weeks ago and nothing has happened yet we decided on an ERPC. If they have a bed for me when I ring at 8am tomorrow we’ll go in then. Mr H has booked the day off work to look after the munchkin, hopefully they’ll be able to be in with me some of the time, but I really don’t know. He took this morning off as well which was great. I don’t know how I’d have been if I’d been on my own.

I don’t react too well to general anaesthetics, I get very sick after them, so hopefully I’ll be early on the list for theatre, otherwise there’s a reasonable chance I’ll have to stay overnight (not ideal as MR H has important training on Wednesday).

I’ve been upping and ahhing over whether to ask Mum to come and stay for a couple of days, Mr H has too much on to be able to take much time off, he’s interviewing the students for industrial placements in his department one day this week as well as the training. I spoke to Mum this morning, she didn’t mention the possibility of coming, I don’t know what she’s got on at the moment, whether she’s busy or hasn’t thought of it.

One of the munchkin’s godmothers lives locally and has been here this afternoon to keep me company (she came bearing chocolates and a lovely scented candle for me), she’s said that if we need her after work for the rest of this week just to call which is fab.

I’m going to go now and put the munchkin to bed before packing a bag to take in with me tomorrow. Thanks again to those of you who left me the lovely messages.

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Update – I’ve spoken to Mum, after a lot of thought she’s going to come down tomorrow if I go in to hospital then. She was very dubious about coming (after a breakdown a year ago she’s found committing to things hard and needs time at home after being away fro a bit – she was staying with my gran last week so was hoping to have a quiet at home week this week), but having realised what a state I’m in she decided that she could do it after all. I’m so grateful. I’m realising quite how alone I am here, there’s no one (apart from the munchkin’s godmother) here that could help us in any way.

 

Thanks

to everyone who’s commented lately. It’s astonishing to think that there are people thinking of us that we’ve never actually met. I had a little cry when I read some yesterday. My first tears for the baby except that first Tuesday.

We’re going to my grans for a long weekend this afternoon, hopefully the quiet time and rest (if the munchkin will let us!) will help us get our heads together a bit more.

Hope you all have a good weekend. Thanks again. Bye!

 

Muddling along….

It’s been a funny week since I last posted. I’m trying not to dwell too much on the miscarriage (I’m sure that baby has died) but still remembering that I have to go back to the hospital on Monday to have another scan. The munchkin has been funny, there’s been times she’s just been cuddly and there and other times when she’s been really demanding and I can’t seem to make her happy. We’ve been out somewhere everyday to keep busy and get out of the house for a bit which has helped a bit, but I seem to being seeing pregnant women everywhere. It doesn’t help that three of my friends at baby group are expecting, two due next month and the other is about 11 weeks. It’ll be easier once we know and can move on. Mr H has already been talking about us trying again in a couple of months, I think I’d rather wait a bit first. It surprised me as he wasn’t sure about this pregnancy anyway, we’ll have to see how we feel as time goes on.

Another problem with all the worry is it’s affecting my sleep. I’m waking up more tired than when I went to bed, dreaming lots and waking lots. I’ve been trying to sleep during the day when the munchkin does, but I’m not really one for sleeping in the day. Hopefully a change of scene at my grans at the weekend will help. We’ll see….

 

Maybe all over……

I was going to write a good long post yesterday about the fab weekend I had meeting up with my group of friends from college, we haven’t all been together for 3 1/2 years at least but I spent the afternoon up at the Early Pregnancy Unit at the local hospital after a little bit of spotting and cramps on Sunday night.

I had to go back this morning for a scan which revealed that baby is measuring about 2 weeks behind my dates with no chance of seeing a heartbeat yet. I have to go back in a fortnight for a repeat scan to confirm a missed miscarriage.

I’m pretty certain that I have lost the baby, I’m not at all nauseous any more and don’t really feel pregnant. I’ve already got more energy and am not feeling so tired.

I just wish I didn’t have to wait so long before being 100% sure (unless I start to bleed properly). It’s going to be a long two weeks. I still haven’t many friends down here I can talk to and there’s not a lot I can go out and do to keep myself occupied. We’re going away the weekend before the scan so I can look forward to that (only going to my gran’s for some cheap away time and a change of scene).

I was very teary this morning, but feeling less so now, looking forward to Mr H getting home from work to gve me a hug though. The munchkin is being a bit of a minx, alternating between being wonderfully cuddly and being a fussy little monster who can’t do anything on her own. She’s just made me grin by managing to pull a bowl of grapes from the dining table and then sitting with the bowl between her legs stuffing as many grapes into her mouth as she could ( counted 4 when she made herself gag and spat them all out!). I do love her so much! I need to remember that lots at the moment.